February 9, 2009
After sitting through far too many commercials for 'Xclusively Male-2-Male' and eXtendz, we return now to the main event.
Proud papa says, "Well look at youuuu! You arrived here, all sticky and sweet, but now you've been washed clean; baptized by Miss Paul!"
Was taste-testing the contestants a part of judging to which we weren't privy?
While I can guess, I don't want to know for sure what "sticky sweet" substance they were covered with. Let's move on while I try to scrub that image from my brain.
The challenge: Les Demoiselles du Drag must re-create their glamorous looks using hand-me-downs from the studio wardrobe department, with accessories from the dollar store.
The Girls Are Not Amused.
Even the obligatory Man Candy doesn't seem to appease.
I don't know why, but I have a sneaking suspicion that these two Nubian attendants are employed full-time by Miss Thang. She probably has them fan her with giant banana palm leaves and hand-feeding her figs in the green room.
It's what I'd do, anyway.
After telling the room that judging will be based on their runway looks and photos (beauty, charisma, talent, uniqueness and nerve-not in that order). Truth be told, I had to wait until OtterSpouse stopped laughing and pointed out the joke I was missing. Figure it out for yourselves, dumplings. I think the acronym they're using is rather vulgar and I hope they stop doing it.
With a flourish, RuPaul gives the command to:
And
"May the best woman win."
And with a true Diva flourish, he says "Go..."
(I love this screen capture)
Naturally, pandemonium ensues.
Kittens, I don't know much in this life, but I do know a couple of Unassailable Truths. Rule #1: Never get in the way of gay men or New York (nee Boca) Jews on opening day at an outlet sale. This scene gave me horrible flashbacks from a childhood spent cowering under the clearance racks at Lohman's.
But then they cut to a sewing/workroom montage, and my blood pressure normalized before I had to reach for the Xanax.
I can't tell you how much I loved RuPaul walking around to each contestant, reviewing and critiquing their designs. He's no Tim Gunn (who is, besides Le Fab Homme himself?), but it was immensely entertaining.
Not to give anything away prematurely, but some of the crap being put together is REALLY crap. Let's skip ahead to elimination day and the runway looks.
Regular judges, in addition to Miss Thang Herself:
- A fashion journalist named Merle Ginsburg. Notwithstanding the obvious (girlfriend has had some work done - no one can convince me that her nose is 100% authentic), something tells me she can scrutinize a decent runway look.
- Santino Rice: Project Runway Season 2's massively untalented, over-the-top comedian. As much as he pissed me off on PR, it tickled me to see him in basically Nina Garcia's seat. No doubt Nina is at home tossing decorative cushions and leopard-patterned dog leashes at her plasma screen. That's some home-grown entertainment.
Everyone calls her "Ru" as she introduces them. I guess if you call her "Ru" and don't get your eyes scratched out with a stiletto then you know you're ok.
This ought to be good.
Nina Flowers: Great outfit, slamming overall look, good runway walk and presence, and a definite POV. Full of Win.
Akashia: Her runway walk looks like a rhino getting out of a Peterbilt 18-wheeler. To be fair, that's probably how she learned to walk that way in the first place. And while we all have some gut to hide, if you're going to show that much, for god's sake, suck it in. Your "pearly whites at the end of the runway" cannot save that presentation. Could someone please get the livestock out of the studio? kthxbibi.
Ongina: Your dress is NOT dynamite. Your headdress makes you look like an alien. I can't get the image of Pleakley in drag from Lilo and Stitch out of my head when you're on screen. The outfit does NOT help. You look like a shapeless lump of unplucked poultry. I mean, there's certainly worse, so you'll pass for this week, but girl, you better work out the kinks in your routine. And not the good kind of kinks, either.
You look down too much when you're walking on the runway. You hit too many poses at the end and hammed it up. And that "chicken dance" thing you did at the end? I know drag is about camp and (to a certain extent) overdoing it, but Sweetie, no. Just say no.
Victoria Parker: You poor dear. You were the dark horse going in, and that outfit and runway debacle, mixed with your final photo mean you're the dark horse going out. There's nothing else to be said. I knew you were 'auf' as soon as I saw this. Which is too bad, really, because I find you to be eminently more likable than that bitch Akashia.
Oh, and, for the record: Pulling a spoonful of goo out of a bucket and eating it at the end of the runway? Never, ever, ever, EVER do that again-EVER. Thanks to that little stunt, my therapist's going to have to see me for an extra session this week.
Bebe Zahara Benet: I give you points for effort, and you do know how to command attention on the runway. Your walk and presentation needs work but definitely shows potential. The outfit doesn't do you any favors; particularly with the barrel-belt around your midriff which made you look more mannish than need be. It took away all your shape. The look was much better when you took it off. You'll pass for this week. Way to go.
Shannel: Ok, I see it, I get it. You go, girl. If I had assets like that, I'd be flaunting 'em too. You're definitely a contender.
That is some srsly sexy booty, I don't care whose team you play for. Kudos on the attractive flank steak, Shan.
And now: Tasting and Judgment (with apologies to Iron Chef)
I'm cutting to the chase, as I'm behind and already have a new episode to blog.
Win:
I totally agree. This look, your attitude, performance, etc., is full of win. Way to go.
Pass:
Meh.
I still say she's a bitch. And WTF is *this* little pose during judging??
Really? Come on. And she stood like this through the evaluation. Bizarre.
Lose:
Sorry to say this, but I totally agree.
I love the "Lip Synch For Your Life" part at the end, but I'll cover that in next the next episode recap.
But I can't leave without a last bitchy word, so I leave you with the final "Horrifying Nightmare Fodder:"
YIKES.
